What do you think of when you think of colonoscopies? Lol. Not anything pretty, right? Lol O.K., well, stay with me because I want to paint a picture of mercy in the midst of it all. Recently, I had to have one of these ‘cleanings,’ if you would. How many of you know that discomfort can be associated when things are cleaned out? My cleansing was to bring on a mother of a migraine, as well as nausea and vomiting. In the midst of it, I couldn’t help but think about my son Sam and how in the world he could express to me if he was having these awful feelings. I thought about a recent bout of extreme yelling and couldn’t help but think, heck, if he had a tad of these ‘feelings,’ I would probably want to bang things around me too.
I have to say, I hadn’t been that ill in a while – to the point where I almost didn’t care what was going on around me; I just wanted to be done with this procedure so I could take something to rid myself of the pain I was in. I remember sitting in the waiting area and apologizing to God that it was so very hard even to pay attention to anyone else there; my head throbbed so badly. Thankfully, all those who cared for me that morning understood the magnitude of my pain and were gracious in turning the lights down and trying to limit the loud noise. I was never so glad to get the ‘propofol’ (I think that’s what it’s called) – the medicine that knocks you out – what a charm it was! Haha
That night, as I lay in bed, thinking of what a hot mess I was and how useless I was to anyone around me, I got the picture of Jesus with the footprints on the sand and was reminded that He was carrying me in the middle of my mess. It was so comforting to know that I don’t always have to be ‘on’ and that there is One who carries me when I am weak.
A few days later, I woke up with pain in my throat, a headache, and feeling nauseous. I was to get a cold/laryngitis. There were no external signs, such as fever or cough, of how miserable I felt, but it hurt to swallow, and my voice was pretty well shot. Once again, I thought of my nonverbal autistic son Sam, and my heart hurt. How would he let me know if he felt this? Could this have been what he felt the week before when he was having such rough behaviors of yelling and banging things? Was his head pounding? Was he nauseous? Did his throat hurt even though we couldn’t tell if he was hoarse since he doesn’t speak? Did we assume it was behavioral since there were no apparent signs? Ugh… how many other nonverbal kids have gone through this and been treated as though it was just the ‘autism.’
Thankfully, I’m beginning to feel a little better, but it has given me much to think about. It has been a pretty quiet week for me – in the sense that I haven’t done a lot of extra talking, no extra phone calls (not that I’m much of a phone talker anyway, lol), but even more limited. Thankfully, I can write as a means of communication. It has made me much more aware of what my son must experience. I can’t imagine being unable to communicate what is happening inside your head. Unfortunately, he doesn’t write and has limited skills on his Talker; he usually needs prompting. My heart hurts for him… I await the day that he can express all he wants to. I don’t write this looking for sympathy but to raise awareness. It reminds me how much mercy we need to have with those around us who may not be as verbal as the average person.
We pray for patience and grace for all those who work with our kiddos. Mom & Dad / guardians, we see you and link arms with you for answers. Kiddos, we see you and won’t give up hope.
In the pain, may we have mercy. In the not knowing, may we have mercy. We continue to pray for healing. We continue to pray for a means to communicate. Until then, I trust that picture of Jesus with the sand and one set of footprints. I trust He has YOU in the palm of His hand and is carrying you and your loved one! ❤
SHEILA BOUCHARD 